Hi Rene,


I wonder if you could help. I have a bit of a family food issue on my hands.

Recently my 14-year-old daughter, Megan, announced that she wanted to go vegan – and has since converted to a strict vegan diet. It’s been really difficult in the kitchen department as Megan has three brothers and a younger sister who all eat meat – and her dad and I are also meat lovers too!

Mealtimes have become a bit of a battleground as Megan has become very fussy about how I prepare her meals and insists that I use separate knives, pans and chopping boards. Plus she’s started lecturing the rest of the family about how bad meat is and that our diets are cruel and selfish.

I want to respect my daughter’s choice but it’s driving us all a little crazy…

Advice please!


Kathy, New England

Hi Kathy:

Oh how I feel your pain! I hate meal prep in the first place and adding special instructions adds another layer of frustration to the mix. As I said in my book, Good Enough Mother; The Perfectly Imperfect Book of Parenting, (link) (I am paraphrasing here) this is dinner not a diner so sit down and eat! Okay, my answer will focus on reasons and results.

REASONS:  Have you asked Megan why she wants to become a vegan? I know she mentioned animal cruelty but are you sure she is not masking an eating disorder? Has she mentioned wanting to lose weight or dissatisfaction in her appearance? I would keep a close eye on that. But if it is about a personal belief system, you need to make sure she is getting the proper nutrients for her developing body. Vegans don’t eat any animal products at all so you may have to add supplements to her diet. Check with a registered dietician or your pediatrician.

RESULTS: Let Good Enough Mother get real for a minute. OH HELL TO THE NO! I am all for her having a special diet if that’s what she wants. But at 14, she is a) old enough to make her own special meals and b) too young to dictate the rules for everyone else! I’m going to tell you right now there is no reason this should be a battle ground because you are the five-star general; what you say, goes! Tell Megan you will buy her the food she wishes and she is welcome to make her own meals. If she doesn’t want to share utensils, give her a drawer in the kitchen and she can keep all of her stuff in there.

You will probably have to lay down some ground rules for conversation at the dinner table. I know I hate it when my own kids turn up their noses and make disapproving clucks about whatever I’m eating. That’s rude! I can only imagine what it must be like to be berated while you’re trying to savor your filet mignon. So the rule should be – no food discussions at the dinner table!  You can chat about the weather, school, politics or anything under the sun EXCEPT food and who’s eating what and why.

There is one part of your letter that is a little troubling and it’s about Megan and the utensils. Not wanting to use the same utensils as others who have used them on meat, even after they have been cleaned, is an irrational thought. The world is very black and white for kids and this may be a manifestation of that way of thinking. However, it could also be the beginning of some obsessive-compulsive type thoughts. Might be worth discussing your concerns with your pediatrician.

Good luck in restoring peace to the dinner table!

Best

Rene

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