Why Do People Lose Their Compassion Online?
I guess at this late stage and this late age, nothing should stun or surprise me anymore but I must admit, the online behavior and comments made by a few people here at Good Enough Mother recently have done just that.
The first came after the death of 27-year-old Amy Winehouse. We wrote a post asking for your response to Amy’s tragic and untimely death. Enormously talented, it was clear Winehouse battled a host of demons and struggled with a lifelong drug and alcohol problem. So when she died, most of the comments fell in the, “sad but not surprised” range.
But shortly after our post appeared, a friend and fellow journalist, known for speaking his mind, left this comment on the site:
“Ok.. I’m just going to put it out there:
I love Amy Winehouse. Loved her from day one. But I’m so pissed off when people say “oh, alcoholism and drug addiction is a disease.”
REALLY?? SERIOUSLY??! I’ve known people who had diseases. I have a relative currently dealing with cancer. Another one with sickle cell anemia. Friends with children who have cystic fibrosis and the list goes on and one. THOSE are diseases. Amy Winehouse, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Jim Hendrix, Janis Joplin and the rest of the “Forever27″ club were drug and alcohol abusers; not cancer patients!! Furthermore, if alcohol and drug addiction is a disease, why isn’t it treated like a disease? When you put someone in a cancer ward and they go into remission and the cancer comes back, you don’t kick them out of the ward. When someone is on drugs and they’re in rehab and they continue using, they’re removed from the program. Comparing alcoholics and drug addicts to people suffering with real diseases is insulting. Let’s stop coddling these addicts with stupid platitudes and start acknowledging them for the reckless, self-destructive people they are/were.”
As the daughter of an alcoholic whose drinking ultimately led to his early death, this made my blood boil. And frankly I was surprised by this extreme oversimplification of a complex and mystifying disease by an extremely educated individual. In his online rant, he totally discounted the fact that we all have different blood chemistries and react differently to substances. He may be able to roll around a freshly cut lawn all he wants. I, on the other hand, would become one big ball of red blotches, the sneezing and wheezing would start and ultimately I could suffer an asthma attack and die. I have a sensitivity to things like grass, molds, pollen and pet dander; while research shows that certain people have the same sensitivity with regard to alcohol.
But as startling as that note was, it was not mean-spirited like the one from the man who commented on this weekend’s Kid’s Question.
This person told a 14-year-old girl who wrote in that she was contemplating suicide as a way to escape her abusive, pill-popping mother, to basically, suck it up.
“Man, that sucks. But you still got it pretty good. Because you live in America. If you had to grow up in India, for instance, you wouldn’t even have reliable plumbing. Or shelter, in some cases. I think that rather than criticizing your mother and screaming out for sympathy, perhaps you should suck it up and draw strength from your adversity. It builds character.”
Oh. My. God. It took a minute for the gravity of those words to sink in, in part because I know this guy and he’s a smart aleck who lives for the shock value. But even coming from him it was so cold and callous. Who in their right mind would tell someone who even had suicide on their radar, that they should suck it up? This girl was clearly hurting, living with a mother who beat her if she swept the floor the wrong way, and somehow it’s supposed to be all good because she has indoor plumbing? REALLY? Then he took the girl to task for criticizing her mother, the one who routinely beats her? What the hell?
It’s no secret that people become emboldened behind the glow of their computer screensbut these two harsh comments and their follow-ups made me wonder, what’s really going on here?
Are things so bad in our country, in our own lives, that we have become desensitized to the suffering of others? Do we feel that because we did it everyone can, regardless of his or her circumstance or station in life? In the Amy Winehouse comment, my friend wondered, if he could get his weight problem under control, surely Amy Winehouse could do the same with her drug and alcohol addictions. Sorry, it’s not that simple. I will concede that there is a degree of personal responsibility that comes into play and I think it’s pretty clear that Amy Winehouse, much like Charlie Sheen wasn’t real keen on that. But I can’t imagine the kind of strength an addict would have to have to turn down the drugs and alcohol that are so ubiquitous in that lifestyle,
In the case of the young woman crying out for help, she WAS being responsible and perhaps that’s why this man’s comments were so disheartening. This girl WAS trying to cope, maybe not the way he would have but in her world, under her circumstances, she was doing what she, in her 14-year-old mind thought was best. She grew tired of the beatings, to say nothing of the battering her self-esteem takes daily, reaches out for help, only to be slapped down by someone who didn’t really think before hitting “Reply”.
I think it might help us all if we exercised a bit of self-control, thought for a beat before we spoke and really cared about how those words, typed or spoken, will be received. Maybe taking a minute to put ourselves in someone else’s situation would help us understand more and eventually lead to real help, maybe even a cure for the diseases of alcoholism and drug addiction. What do they call that? Oh yeah, compassion; let’s try it on and see how it fits.
But what about you? Do you think some of the comments over this weekend were out of line? Do you think people say things online they’d never say to someone’s face? Let’s hear you..
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i’m sorry that she died ,she did have demons,But most of all she made bad choices.her mom try to help her her family and friends try,so unless a person want to quit they will not,i worked as an psych tech at a mental hospital in cali for 12 years.you help those you can but you cannot save everyone. People want a pill so they can drink and use drugs.but the word of God condemn this behavior.Our society accept these behavior,then wonder why are kids are addicted to these things
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Right on, Rene. And you said something most people don’t think of; Among famous/monied people dealers find the ‘weak’ ones and they don’t let go. Go into rehab and when you leave they are there to meet you, give you a ride home. Or take you to a party. Everyone there is indulging, it’s only a matter of time before you succumb to the urge.
In one paper I read, an article would have 100 responders using the worst language imaginable, foul name-calling, wretched put-downs. Now responses can be by facebook i.d. only and ~ you guessed it ~ there may be 2 if any responses.
I learned early (oh that Baptist upbringing
)) to never say anything about people behind their backs that you can’t say to their faces. That lesson has kept me in check.I like to read those responses because it gives me a feel for who people really are behind the facade of smiley niceness. No, of course I don’t meet all those people, but… oh, you know what I mean.
@Will; As far back as whenever, people have gotten high. A few have always taken it too far. Children have always observed this, some have tried it too soon, some liked it too much. Some survived, some had a faulty system and didn’t survive. They weren’t much caring what ‘Big-Daddy-in-the-sky’ thought. Those of us who care/think about this will always have work to do.
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It is amazing what people will say with keystrokes…they will make the most outrageous statements against people for being drug-addicted, gay, black, Mexican, poor, undereducated and then profess that they are Christians…while expressing a lack of love for people. I’m just thankful Jesus loves and forgives us all.
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Nice. Rene It’s easy to judge behind the safety of a keyboard. It’s easy to say mean things; then when you get a reaction you weren’t expecting directed at you, it’s easy to feel sorry for yourself.
I understand how people can get frustrated with addicts. They are so self destructive. I have been a bartender most of my life, so I have been offered every drug under the sun. I consider myself lucky I am not an addict. The only judgment I think people can have on an addict is how they treat the people in their lives. I learned that from Alnon. If my son is high he isn’t welcome at my house. Sometimes I don’t see him for months at a time, but when he does come home….he is clean, sober and not coming down. That is his act of love and respect for me.
I think the heartless guy who would pick on a 14 year old suicidal girl has some very big issues that he needs to come to grips with in his own mind. Obviously he has a chip on his shoulder and there is absolutely nothing anyone could say to him that he would consider in a reasonable way. He has to look in the mirror and decide if he is an honorable person. I doubt he has the courage for that.
Thanks for a thoughtful blog Rene. -
Thank you Rene – once again, you have nailed it!
I participated in those discussions this weekend and was, surprisingly shocked! I have read a lot of boo-hockey online and insensitive & downright rude comments but the two you mentioned shocked me and I didn’t think I could be shocked any more.
Compassion is where it is at. You cannot have too much compassion. -
A disease is medically defined as something that can be passed directly by chance from one person to another instantaneously. Therefore alcoholism and drug addiction are not diseases. It’s bad enough ranting at people for criticising a dirty junkie, but at least get your facts right when you try to bite back.
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Dan: this is the definition of disease per Merriam Webster:
a condition of the living animal or plant body or of one of its parts that impairs normal functioning and is typically manifested by distinguishing signs and symptoms : sickness, malady
a harmful development (as in a social institution)
Your comment leaves out mental illness, which is not contracted but is a disease. It leaves out the cancers that develop but are not contracted (researchers are still trying to find the connection). But the one thing you did do was illustrate the point of this piece with stunning clarity. For that I thank you.
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Hello Rene. Great article.
I am responding to the seemingly insensitive response to the suicidal 14 year old. His biggest mistake was trying to be tough through online interaction.
The responder meant well and actually reminded me of the Drill Sergeants I met while in Army Boot Camp. That “suck it up and drive on” mentality is a system of survival for many and is meant to encourage others. It worked well for me. However, this tactic may not work for all.
The real world is not perfect. Our parents are not perfect. We are not perfect. And it is often necessary to grow thick skin to get through our adversities. I think this was supposed to be the message in his “suck it up” speech.
The suicidal-teen will have adversities all through her and if she does not learn how to put things in perspective now, she will want to commit suicide every time life is not “perfect”.
Again, he meant well but his decision to communicate via online was a mistake.
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Rene- I love this piece. Although, I am a little late reading up on the postings. This is a topic that should be discussed on a regular in the social media world. To be honest, I’ve caught myself writing things that are mean, could be misunderstood as uncaring or just plain bitchy. In some cases it was way too late to apologize. In other cases, I simply read back what I typed before sending and hit DELETE!!! Sometimes I add a disclaimer. (Not that it always helps.) We should all beware of what we write… not just what we speak.
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My mom died on July 5th of cocaine addiction. She ingested so much that her heart literally “burst” within her chest cavity. She was as sick as anyone I know who has a sympathetic disease such as cancer or anything else. I would tell people that if they can’t dredge up compassion for addiction, then maybe they should think of their saddest day, and then what it must feel like to live in that type of sadness for years and years and years. We are all personally responsible for our lives, but that shouldn’t stop of us from stopping and imagining what it would be like to be struggling and to feel like there is no way out. Also, as a mother, to lose a child is my greatest fear. If you can’t have compassion for Amy Winehouse, then have compassion for the mother who loved her all those years and probably knew, in the depth of her heart, that it would end like this. I knew my mother would die of drug addiction, but there was nothing that I could do. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t love her and that I didn’t wish that she could have found a reason for living.