Bad day

Shhhh. Don’t say it.  Nobody likes to hear it…  That seven-letter word, Illness.

I’m not talking about the sufferer or loved ones; of course none of them wants to hear it. I’m talking about the wider circle, the people on the fringes, though sometimes it can be someone close. Doesn’t matter what it is, whether it’s a common cold, a long-term condition or the Big C, some people can have an adverse reaction to it themselves and go into denial. I’m not saying unsympathetic, just over time it can become a little cool, impatient or even suspicious, depending on the illness.  If not that, then the sense that the person affected has somehow lost validity or suddenly no longer wishes for or craves the things a well person does.

Undoubtedly, illness changes a person (in particular long-term or serious illness) but it doesn’t mean that person stops being the person they were before.

I guess what I’ve found and continue to find whenever the seven-letter-word comes up, is that most of the time, there is an unspoken rule that we don’t discuss it.  Not unless it’s something that is suddenly present, visible and has a clear end (a broken limb with visible plaster that will be removed in XX weeks and all will be well again).  Yes, I know it’s boring and none of us wants to know the gory/miserable details for hours on end, and it’s the worst thing you can dwell on if you’re the ill one, but I think it’s also because people don’t know what to say and, more cynically, because people just don’t want to know.  It’s uncomfortable thinking about the unknown.  Being reminded we’re all fallible.  It’s difficult seeing a life paused.

There’s also this sense that when someone is ill, they are less productive and therefore, not worthless but worth less. I know that’s how I’ve felt and been made to feel during challenging times.

And you know sometimes I do think it would be nice if you could respond to someone’s inquiry about your wellbeing by saying ‘actually, I’ve felt like shit lately but I’ve been hiding it well’. Not because we want sympathy but because we just want to be honest and stop pretending for a while, to say ‘look, life has other shades to it’. Ok, a little bit of reassurance and understanding goes a long way too, and a cup of tea if you’re making one J

I read a great article recently by a male journalist arguing against that over-used term ‘man-flu’. I really couldn’t agree with him more.  If men aren’t allowed to be ill then when they are and ignore it, because it’s not manly to admit to not feeling like they could go out to hunt sabre-toothed tigers, make fires and break boulders all day, it could be putting their health and lives in danger.

I am one woman you will never hear saying the words ‘man-flu’ to my man when he’s ill because I know all too well how important it is to acknowledge when something ain’t right.  What is all this ridiculous posturing about being fine-and-dandy anyway?  Why are we, especially our men, not allowed to be ill?

A friend’s employer is so suspicious of people taking sick days that in order to get paid for that day you must obtain a doctor’s note on that day which invariably means hours of waiting around at the medical center for an appointment, then returning home feeling even worse; so much for a day of rest and recuperation.  I mean how mad is that? What happened to trust?

I just hate that suspicion of illness, especially when it’s not visible.  I mean, when someone is ill, be it short term or long term, isn’t that just the kindest thing to do, make him or her feel guilty and mistrusted?  Oh yes, that’ll really lift the spirits.

Illness is an isolating experience.  Short term or long term, everything about your life changes, as you can’t do what you normally do, want to do or need to do.  It impacts family life too.  It can be an inconvenience or life altering, mildly unsettling or extremely frightening.  But an ill person is the same person just dealing with different challenges and they need good things – among them big doses of humor – to get them through, not mistrust or isolation.

There are those people who venture to make genuine inquiry in an effort to understand, thumbs up to them I say.  Though I understand people don’t like to ask. It’s a difficult one but on the whole, I think sensitive questions from a place of concern and wanting to understand is a good thing.

Or of course there are those times you can find yourself with someone you open up to about something and they’ll just ‘know’ what you’re on about and before you know it, you’ve bonded over your bowel inflammation and you’ve got a new buddy.  There’s a friendship for life right there.

Believe me, I know, I have a rich library to draw upon that could rival Jane Austen for catchy, though less genteel, titles: Chronic Fatigue and Chemical Imbalance; Adenoids and Adrenals; and not forgetting the international bestseller, Enemas and Endoscopies.  There is no pride here.  There’s pretty much something for most in my book club, not that I’d wish membership on anyone!

So next time someone starts to tell you about the seven-letter word, hold back on the judgement or the need to return to a fluffy safe place of infallibility, don’t put those barriers up too high.  Being unwell doesn’t invalidate a person just as being well doesn’t validate them.  We are who we are, ill or well, just with broader challenges and needs. 

Finally, don’t ever delay in getting advice if you’re worried about anything concerning your health, there is no shame in it at all.

What have your experiences been of talking about illness?  Have you ever found yourself isolated or misunderstood because of ill health?  What attitudes at work, home or in the wider circle have you found regarding the seven-letter word?  Have you ever made a friend through speaking about the unspoken?

Nikki Newman, 36, from England, currently lives in Qatar, where she moved this year due to her husband’s work. A former teacher and proud mother of 7-year-old Oliver, she’s currently focusing on settling her family into their new lives, while also pursuing her passion for painting. To see Nikki’s work please go to: www.nikkinewmanart.com