Good Enough Mother®

The GEM Debate: Cell Phones On Planes.. Can You Hear Me Now?

Rene Syler — Wed, 16 May 2012 20:26:07 +0000

Surely this is a sign the world is nearing an end. I was reading on my friend Jim’s blog that Virgin Atlantic is now going to allow cell phone calls on certain flights. Is there anything possibly more hellish than that, well I mean, other than HELL?

Anyone who’s taken a flight knows how hard it is to hear, over the pressurized cabin and engine noise, the person sitting a scant 6 inches away from you. Add what one can only imagine will be spotty, cell service and cramped quarters and you have an accurate depiction of one of what Dante was talking about.

This begs the question, is technology hindering more than it’s helping? We talked the other day about the New Jersey town that is fining people for walking and texting at the same time and a while ago we debated whether technology kept you up at night. Then I saw this; a study that linked Facebook to narcissism, saying the ability to broadcast only what you want people to know (instead of the flattering AND unflattering details) feeds right into the narcissists M.O.

I hate to say it but it does feel a bit like we’re becoming a nation of narcissists and this cell phones on planes seems one more big brick in a wall of social dysfunction. What on earth is so important it can’t wait until you get on the ground? Delayed flight? Your pick up party can see that online. Can you think of another earth-shattering reason someone would need to make a call mid-flight? Yeah, me neither.

Okay time to weigh in. Cell phones in flight, good idea or bad? Lemme hear ya!

More from GEM:

Anthony Weiner: Is a Sex Text Cheating?

Wealthy Parents: 5 Ways NOT To Raise A Spoiled Brat

Is Good Sex A Duty In A Relationship

Life Lessons: Lauren Messiah

Rene Syler — Wed, 16 May 2012 11:37:31 +0000

Check out this gorgeous face and super cool name and remember them because Lauren Messiah is on her way to the top! Remember a few weeks back when I went to Detroit for a meeting with some brands interested in Good Enough Mother? Well Lauren was there too. We hit it off and I was so impressed by her. Read on and you’ll see why and remember, if you want to take part in our Life Lessons feature, drop us a line; we’ll get the questions right out to you!

Are you happy at the moment?

So happy! My life is absolutely incredible beyond my wildest dreams. I have such great people in my life and for the first time in a long time I have a career that I absolutely love.

If you could go back and say anything to your 16-year-old self now – what would it be?

I would tell myself, “mom was right; that glitter eye shadow was not a cute look for my first day of work.” In all seriousness I would tell myself to stop being so self-conscious. I spent many of teenage years living my life for other people. I was constantly worried about what people were thinking and that is no way to live.

What’s the most important thing you’ve learned this year?

This year has been a really big for me. I think the most important thing I’ve learned is that I can’t do everything myself. I am starting to let go and have other people help me. Sometimes I forget that I have a really cool job and people would jump at the chance to work in this business. So for me, getting help is actually helping someone else, too.

What do you most want to achieve in the next 12 months?

So much! I am all about visualizing my goals. I make flash cards and vision boards of what I want to accomplish – corny but it works! Over the next 12 months I want to expand upon the personal styling classes that I teach at School of Style. I also want to work more in a fashion expert capacity with more video and television appearances. I just want to share my knowledge and styling skills with a wider audience.

What’s your secret to happiness?

Trusting the universe. Really. If I try to make myself happy, chaos is sure to follow. I try to take life as it comes and don’t trip out over the small stuff. Buying copious amounts of shoes is also helpful for a quick fix

What one ritual or practice keeps you grounded?

Taking time out in the morning to get centered before I start reading emails. I’m not perfect, sometimes I cheat and pick up the iPhone first thing in the morning but I try not to. Also exercise helps me a lot! I love, love, love Pilates.

What’s your biggest regret?

I’ve done a ton of stupid things in my life that probably warrant some regret but I choose not to live with regrets. For every stupid stunt I’ve pulled, a valuable life lesson has come out of it.

Oh wait! I do have one regret, it’s a fashion regret. I once found a $9,000 Chanel jacket on sale for $700. I didn’t buy it. Stupid. I went back to get it and it was gone. I call it “the jacket that got away.”

What’s the most important lesson you’ve taught your kid(s)?

I don’t have kids but if I did I would teach them to be polite. Rudeness is like the ultimate insult to me. My parents taught me to mind my manners and I am forever grateful for that.

What bad habit would you most like to change about yourself?

My facial expressions. Okay, that sounds weird but I have a very “reactive” face. Sometimes I don’t even know I’m doing it! I used to get in trouble as a kid for making weird faces when people say or do things. This totally falls under the “rude” category, which is horrible – so I really need to work on that.

What are you most proud of in your life?

Leaving my secure and well paying job for a career as a freelance stylist. It was really scary for me. Going from a steady paycheck and health benefits to going at it alone was huge for me. It’s been the smartest thing I’ve ever done and I’m so glad I took that leap.

When were you happiest?

I can’t believe I am going to share this with an audience but the day I started dating my boyfriend. The moment I saw him I knew he was the one for me. I was patiently waiting (for months) for him to notice me and when he did I freaked out! I was like a freaking teenager – so silly.

What ten words best describe you?

Stylish, competitive, funny, eager, driven, ambitious, an entrepreneur, dependable, smart, and easily annoyed.

Lauren Messiah began her career in styling working with some of Hollywood’s top celebrity and fashion stylists. After acquiring priceless information through her assisting experience, Lauren struck out her own as a full-time stylist working with celebrities, styling look books and fashion editorials. Then something magical happened. The women who worked behind the scenes on these celebrity jobs began requesting Lauren’s styling services for themselves and a new career was birthed. Lauren currently works as a freelance stylist in Los Angeles. She is also the President of School of Style, a school for wardrobe stylists, and is a trained and certified Style for Hire stylist. Learn more on her website and follow her on Twitter too!

The GEM Debate: No Boys On The Field? Fair Or Foul?

Rene Syler — Tue, 15 May 2012 18:54:26 +0000

I have a feeling we’re about to open up a whole can of worms here but that’s never stopped us before, now has it?

Okay before I dive into this I need to tell you that my beloved Darling Casey is a softball player this year! Woot! Some of you may know she also plays volleyball but this is the first year she’s decided to give another sport a try. Now, you may also know she’s not the most aggressive kid (very, VERY unlike her brother) and she’s still learning the ropes out there on the field.

I say all that to present to you today’s debate. It centers around 13-year-old Keeling Pilaro, a boy who spent some time in Ireland was allowed to play on the field hockey team with the girls at his Long Island school until this year when he got good. Really, really good. Now Keeling is being told he no longer qualifies for the exemption that allowed him to play until this point.

The district says its hands are tied, that it’s really a matter of state law. See there’s an education provision that does allow school to ban boys from playing on girls teams if allowing them, “would have a significant adverse effect” on fellow female teammates. Though Keeling is under 5 feet tall and weigh less than a hundred pounds, it’s his skill level that officials say will create an unfair advantage. The ruling is being examined but if Keeling is not allowed back on the team, his mother says she’ll take officials to court.

When I first heard this story, I thought, “That’s ridiculous; let the boy play” but honestly I’m just not so sure now.

Back to Casey and softball for a moment (I know, I know, they’re different sports). I can say with a great degree of certainty, having a boy play on the team with her (especially if his skills were head and shoulders above all others) would suck the joy right out of the experience for her and she’d probably quit before she even got started.

So while I feel for young Keeling, I have to say I side with the school district on this one.

What about you what do you think? Should Keeling be allowed, despite his skill level, be allowed to play on the same team as the girls? Is this an unfair ruling to him? Or is allowing him to play, even though he’s so much better than the others, unfair to the girls? Lemme hear ya!

Single Mom Slice Of Life: When The Student (s) Become The Teacher (s)…

Rene Syler — Tue, 15 May 2012 13:07:54 +0000

Much to the chagrin of our heroine…

Well, it’s finally happened, I’ve run out of ways to procrastinate… and returned to school. I had the normal butterflies the day before, the panicked, “Oh crap, am I good enough to do this?” thoughts raced frantically through my head. I’m 30-something years old, I have two kids, three dogs, a full time job… and now I have two classes too!?

Okay fine, if we’re going to be honest, it was really more like the, “Oh crap, now more than ever, I have to practice what I preach!” thoughts that haunted me.

For the record, practicing what you preach is sometimes harder than it looks!

Do you have any idea how much energy it takes to do homework after working a full day and making dinner, and helping with other people’s homework? It takes a lot! (That’s my story, and I’m completely sticking to it!). Time management is a skill I never really thought was one I had to re-learn, but… uh… yeah, I do. Somehow for years I have managed to balance the kids’ bowling league with field trips with science projects with early morning meetings at the office… but suddenly, adding one more item to the list has had me turning in my own homework with literally minutes to spare.

Just to make the school experience that much more realistic, I’ve also been put on restriction about seven times for watching TV while doing homework. I’ve been accused of doing chores to get out of homework (literally the only time the boys have actually fought me to empty the dishwasher). Most disturbing of all was a few nights back when I was greeted at the front door by my two kids, arms crossed, and the phrase, “Mom, we need to talk about your homework habits…” followed by a swift rundown and almost word-for-word recital of every homework lecture I’ve ever given in my parental career.

So, the good news is that they’ve been listening.

The bad news is that they’ve been listening.

Not only have they been listening, but they’re not afraid to prove it. So far, according to the boys, my homework issues have been caused from: too many distractions (“Can you really do homework with the TV on like that?”), not enough vegetables on my plate at dinner (“Brain food, Mom, you need brain food”), distractions galore (“Mom, if you posted less on Facebook, you could get your homework done faster”), and the aforementioned time-management issues (“Now Mom, if you had done your homework earlier, instead of waiting until the last minute, would you be this stressed out?”). For the record, none of these items seem to stop them from asking for rides to friend’s houses or trips across town to visit family.

In the end, though, my little boys have been great men these first few weeks of school. Nick has stepped up, made dinner a few nights a week, and even stolen and hidden the batteries in the remote control to keep me from watching TV (Please note: I did not whine about the world coming to an end like they did when I tried the same stunt…). Justin has picked up the house, fed the animals, and even done laundry without being asked or reminded. Of course, they’ve managed to find time to do their own homework and lecture me about mine.

So my Single Mom Slice of Life lessons these past few weeks have included the welcome acknowledgement that even though their eyes sometimes glaze over, the lectures (or spirited discussions as I like to think of them) are seeping through; the ability to help others is alive and well (even though I will LITERALLY throw the next piece of broccoli that hits my plate when I’m not looking!), and that a support system can come in all shapes and sizes (even in the form of a six-foot tall 16-year-old, and a five-foot tall 12-year-old prepared to check my laptop’s internet search history).

Sigh… of course it’s easy for them to be all high and mighty considering they have about 2 weeks left of school while I’m just getting started. Let’s just hope that they’ll remember this when they start school again in August as I’m finishing up. Somehow, I don’t think they’ll appreciate it quite as much… but I will!

What about you.. can you recall an instance when the words you used on your kids came back to haunt you? What were they and did you regret saying them?

Ask Rene: My Son Is Being Bullied

The GEM Debate: Is THIS The New Birds And Bees?

Wendy Syler Woodward has been a single parent for 10 years, with two boys ages 11 and 16. Originally from southern California, Wendy moved her family seven years ago to Phoenix where she manages a law firm for work, writes for fun, and is preparing to go back to college before the end of the year. Follow her on Twitter @WendySyler

Ask Rene: How Do I Let Go Of My Only Son?

Rene Syler — Tue, 15 May 2012 08:07:44 +0000

Hi Rene:

I’ll be thrilled if you can help me. I’ve been running the gamut of emotion lately. For the last several years, after my ex-husband walked out on us, it’s been my son, Jeffrey and me against the world. We shared highs and lows, good times and (a lot of) bad and we’re very close.

That’s the good news. Now the bad, Jeffrey has been accepted to college out of state. I guess that’s not really bad but to be honest, I am worried. I’m worried about him and I’m worried about me, given that we have spent any significant time apart.

So tell me, Rene, what should I do? How can I let go of my only son?

Sign me,

Sad and Soon-To-Be-Alone

Hi Sad:

Thanks for writing in. My heart does ache for you because I know I’m going to be there in a scant few years, with both of my kids. There’s no question this is going to be an adjustment for you but it doesn’t have to be a bad one. Pop in your ear buds to watch my video response to your question. And to GEMnation, if you have some ideas for Sad and Soon To Be Alone, leave them here in the comments!

Super Start To Summer: What To Drink On A Diet

Monday Morning Motivation: Building A Creative Space

Super Start To Summer: Be A Diet Detective

Rene Syler — Mon, 14 May 2012 19:50:22 +0000

It’s week 4 of our Super Start to Summer series and I have a question for you. How many times have you gone out for a bite to eat, looked at the menu and thought, “There’s no WAY I can stick to my diet”? My buddy, Jim Walker says it is possible with a little awareness. Here are his tips for what to ask for before ordering and don’t forget, you can read more about this topic and more on Jim’s site at JWLooseCannon.com.

I love eating out. What’s NOT to love? Someone is waiting on you. You don’t have to cook, and you get to try new and interesting foods! But if you’re trying lose weight, gain muscle, or just stay lean- eating at a restaurant can be tricky. Here are five points to eating-out while not losing-out on your hard work!

EATING

*BECOME A MENU DETECTIVE: Restaurants want everything to sound tasty and delicious, but that doesn’t necessarily mean healthy. Lean the “code words” for something dangerous to your eating plan. If it says “creamy,” that means it has a sauce that’s likely to contain a full stick of butter and/or heavy cream. Instead of pasta in a tomato-based cream sauce, ask for marinara, which usually has an olive-oil base.

When something says “crispy,” that usually means fried. We all know fried food is loaded with saturated fat. Choose grilled or steamed options instead.

When something says “cheesy,” that’s code for loaded with high-fat, artery clogging cheese. Skip it. You won’t miss it.

*ASK QUESTIONS/MAKE REQUESTS: If you’re unsure what kind of sauce may come with an entrée or how something is cooked (fried, steamed, or grilled), ask questions of the waiter. It’s not rude and a good waiter should know everything on the menu. This is your meal and your health, so take responsibility. Do not be afraid to ask them to prepare how you’d like it.

*GET IT ON THE SIDE: If you’ve asked questions and you still have your doubts about whether a sauce or topping is healthy enough for you, ask for that sauce on the side. Most of the time, sauces are all made separately and it means very little extra work for the kitchen to put the sauce on the side.

Likewise with salad dressings. Fat free options are best, but if they are not offered, ask for your dressing on the side which gives YOU full control over how much ends up on your salad.

Too much bread is a waistline killer! Take one slice and push the basket away or have the waiter take it away. Save the calories for your meal.

*DESSERT: There is nothing wrong with having dessert, but like the entrée, you need to make wise choices consistent with your goals. Look for fruit-based desserts. Instead of ice cream, have frozen yogurt or sorbet.

If a massive amount of dessert appears, share it with a friend, but don’t feel compelled to finish it all.

*EDUCATE YOURSELF: Before sitting down, it’s helpful to know what cuts of meat are leaner than others. For instance, a New York strip steak has far less fat than Prime Rib. A grilled chicken breast has less fat than chicken wings or drumsticks. Grilled Tilapia is much leaner than catfish.

Watch portion sizes as well. Restaurants want you to feel you’re getting a good value. As a result, portion sizes are generally 30% larger than they were just 10 years ago. You don’t have to eat it all at once. The rest can always go home with you in a box for a meal later.

The internet has made healthy dining much easier. Virtually all major chains have their menus and nutritional content online, plus there are plenty of other websites to help you identify better choices. Here’s one of my favorites.

EXERCISE:

Women say, “If I could just loose this weight around my hips”, while men say, “If I could just loose the fat on my belly.”

First the good news: All of us can lose that weight.

Now the bad news: There is no such thing as “spot reducing.” The body loses (and gains) fat as a unit, however, men put it on first in the mid-section, women gain first in the hips (buttocks). Sadly, the same works in reverse. What was first to go on, is last to come off. If you start getting regular exercise, don’t be surprised to see that those “problem areas” are taking longer to lean-up than the non-problem areas.

As we’ve discussed in previous editions of this series, losing body fat is a function of taking in fewer calories than you burn and burning more calories through cardio exercise. It’s that simple. With that caveat, there are exercises you can do firm, tone and build muscle in the problem areas.

For women, one of the best exercises for the glutes are walking lunges. Find an area with at least 50 feet of open space. Take one leg and step out as far as you can, with the knee of the opposing leg nearly touching the floor. Then bring that opposing leg forward till you are back in a standing position. Follow it up by bringing that other leg forward and lunging on that side. Do these based on time, not steps. Start out with five minutes and work up to 15. You will feel this.

For men, one of the best exercises for building the abs are exercise ball passes. Find one of those big round rubber balls. Lay down flat and place it between your feet. You’re going to lift up your legs, lifting the ball, while also lifting up your arms at the same time. You’re going to pass the ball from your feet to your hands, then lower the ball in your hands to the ground above your head, while also lowering your feet. Pass the ball back and forth from your hands to your feet over and over. One complete pass is one repetition. Try to do 10 at first, then work up to 20 or even 30.

You’re all set for the week. Remember this is about baby steps so try to make one small change this week. June is right around the corner!

Super Start To Summer: Smart Snacking

Super Start To Summer: What To Drink On A Diet

Jim is a broadcast journalist with more than 25 years of experience in television and radio. Now he’s moved into the online world, creating JWLooseCannon.com where he writes about politics, sex, entertainment and much more. Jim is also an amateur bodybuilder and a certified personal trainer. Born and raised in Stockton, California, he currently lives in Ann Arbor, Michigan with his longtime partner, Kelly. Follow him on Twitter @JWLooseCannon.

Character Counts… How Do You Teach Your Kids?

Rene Syler — Mon, 14 May 2012 18:43:14 +0000

There have been some absolutely cringe-worthy stories making headlines lately. Let’s see, there’s the trial of former presidential hopeful John Edwards, accused of using campaign funds to care for his mistress and their baby. There’s former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, who told everyone he was going on a long walk but ended up in Argentina, with his mistress (I’m pretty sure he didn’t walk there) and then most recently the case of former Yahoo CEO Scott Thompson, who just left his job after it was revealed that he padded his resume.

With all of that going on, it got me thinking about ethics, morals and character and how to teach that to our kids. Check out my daily Parentables column to read more about my short life of crime and ways to teach kids character. Don’t forget to leave a comment!

Single Mom Slice Of Life: Until You Return Again

Ask The Good Enough Guy: Is My Marriage In Trouble?

The GEM Debate: Is THIS A Good Use Of Police Time And Taxpayer Bucks?

Rene Syler — Mon, 14 May 2012 13:36:41 +0000

I came across this little ditty recently and thought it was a good one to talk about. We know texting while driving is dangerous, even deadly. Well, there are also dangers involved in texting while walking and officials in Fort Lee New Jersey plan to do something about it. They have issued a ban and if you get caught, prepare to crack that wallet open wide.

My take: I hate seeing people do this, especially walking down the street in Manhattan. But before I scramble to the very top of my bully pulpit I have to admit, I have been known to do this too. I’m not proud to admit that.

Why do we do it? I have a few ideas. But the biggest one of all is that I think we have forgotten that we needn’t answer EVERY SINGLE text, email or phone call as it comes in. Calls can go to voicemail and texts and emails (um, and updating your Facebook page too) can wait until we sit down in a safe place to answer, giving the query our full attention.

So that brings us to the question. I think we can all agree that walking while texting is probably not the wisest or safest thing to do, but is it worth a fine? Would you, if you were a resident of Fort Lee, New Jersey, be happy about police going after these offenders or do you think there’s a better use of shrinking taxpayer funds? And while we’re asking questions, do you or have you ever, texted while walking? Fire away!

More from GEM:

Life Lessons: ME!

Ask Rene: My Son Rejected My Religion

Want To Protect Yourself Online? 5 Things You Need To Know

Monday Morning Motivation: Are You An Approval Junkie? (PODCAST)

Rene Syler — Mon, 14 May 2012 08:50:13 +0000

Hola GEMs!

Here’s hoping you had a restful Mother’s Day weekend, complete with and little R and R for you. But now we’re ready to tackle another wonderful week. How do I know it’s going to be great? Hey, you woke up, didn’t you?

You remember last week I talked about building a creative space; about how I feel that when you are stretched beyond what you think is capacity, you are forced to look at things differently. Some of the new ways of looking at things are much better than the old which is why I truly believe that struggle is the birthplace of creativity.

But sometimes when you’re creating or building or changing and growing, it feels like a solitary existence and you may wonder if anyone else is watching or even cares. It’s at that point you have to be self-directed and self-motivated, which brings me to the topic of today’s Monday Morning Motivation.

So pop in your ear buds and take a listen, then ask yourself this question; am I doing good work, even if no one’s watching?

More from GEM:

Thanks Mom.. For THIS!

The GEM Debate: Is Abstinence Really Realistic?

Hey Mom! How About You Just.Say.No?

Our Story Begins: Mom’s Fingerprints On Your Life

Rene Syler — Sun, 13 May 2012 12:45:28 +0000

It may be fitting, or perhaps just bitterly ironic, that my postings fall on Sundays, and therefore Mother’s Day this week. Before you start to criticize or lament Rene’s choice to leave me on the Sunday schedule for a day focused on and celebrating moms, let me just state that it’s possible I may be perfectly suited to discuss this day.

Your mom gave you so much more than just life; a good mom shows you how to live. I know, that sounds cheesy and I’m already blushing a little from writing it, but I stand by the statement. Why? Because the influence my wife and my mother had on my children was most clearly evident to me the day I lost my beautiful Andrea. The worst thing I have ever – EVER – had to do in my life was to come home to those four, amazing kids and tell them that Andrea had died. It should have been the darkest day of our lives – and it was – but there were tiny, embers of hope, and they didn’t come from me.

My son, Noah, came up just a couple hours after he lost his mom and said, “Dad, can I tell you something?” When I asked what he needed, he looked up at me, his dark blue eyes glistening, and I could tell he’d been thinking about something since we all scattered to our own personal grief some hours before. As he screwed up the courage to tell me what he wanted, he started to clench his fists and tears started to slowly stream out of the corners of his eyes and down his cheeks.

“It’s okay, Dad,” he said, struggling to get the words out. “I wish Mommy was still here, but she gets the biggest part in our hearts . . . because without moms there wouldn’t be any people. Without moms, we wouldn’t know about life, so she gets the biggest part of my heart and I know she’ll always be with me.”

I leaned down and he put his arms around my neck, and squeezed very tight.

“But I’m still going to miss her,” he said.

I hadn’t taught him that. I hadn’t even broached the subject before, but as the tears slowly streamed down his face, I knew Andrea’s thoughts, love, and faith had influenced him. Like his mother, who spent more time caring for all of us than for herself, he just wanted to make me feel better. I was torn to shreds and here was this little person, who perhaps lost far more than I did, telling me it was OK. That was his mom’s influence, not mine.

We also had another bit of support: my mom. A couple days before Andrea died, she took a horrible turn, ending up in respiratory arrest. At 2:30 in the morning, I was speeding down the freeway to get to the hospital, rain pelting the road and my windshield. Hyperventilating, I called my parents’ cell phone because they were on a trip from Nebraska to Texas to visit my brother and had stopped halfway at a motel in Oklahoma. I spoke to my mom first. My two brothers and I, we’re Midwestern, pseudo-strong boys. We hardly ever break down, cry, none of it. It’s not that we’re not emotional, it’s not that there’s anything wrong with crying, we’re just not wired that way. (Well, at least I wasn’t until last year). As a result, when my mom hears us break down, it affects her horribly, and she can’t stand to hear us hurt. I tried to hold it together, but this night I couldn’t. I lost it and was a mess. I was gasping for air and crying on the phone and my mom, after saying, “Oh, my God, David . . . “ said they’d help me figure it out. She handed the phone to my dad, but it wasn’t because she was passing the buck. She immediately got dressed, packed their suitcases in the middle of their motel room in Norman, Oklahoma, at 4am Central time. As my Dad calmed me down, I heard her shuffling around as she shouted, “Tell him we’re on the way!”

It was that simple; no thought, no hesitation. They got on the freeway and started driving west. Two days later, literally an hour after I had told my children that their mom had passed, my mom walked in the door, took us all in her arms, and took care of us. She immediately assessed the situation and began working on a routine that we continue today. It was at this point I realized that all the basics, my tools for life, I had learned whether I knew it or not. Cook, clean, change diapers, fix bottles, everything that has been necessary to raise four kids came from my mom, only I never realized it. I became an involved, loving father after the example I was given.

This month has taught me so very much about what motherhood means – particularly because I can see, beyond the basics, the deficiencies of my own parenting. By the time you read this, my oldest daughter will have had her junior prom. This wasn’t an easy time for either of us. My daughter’s dilemma with trying to get a date for the prom weighed very heavily on her. My social interactions with the opposite sex were poor at best. As A result, my advice for a girl, knowing I’ve never had a woman’s perspective – not even a sister in our house – was pathetic.

When I thought I’d done such an amazing thing by getting her a beautiful designer dress (with money I’d been saving for guitar parts . . . but totally worth it!), I hadn’t taken her figure, her boobs, or the work it would entail into account. I had to figure out how to get a tailor; had to help find a body suit or strapless bra (and question why, even a large cup-size was padded and lifting?), everything prom entails. I was scrambling for ways to end the, “bad cleavage” only to be shot down at every turn by my daughter.

“I’m sorry,” was all I could muster, and I meant it. “I don’t know what I’m doing, kiddo, I’m just throwing out things I hope will work.”

“That’s okay,” was Abbi’s response. “I’m learning about it all as I go. Mom had to do it; so will I.”

She’s so right, too. Andrea had grown up that girly-girl. She wanted the fairy tale and the happily ever after. She had a Mom who hated to talk about sex, life, boobs, private parts, men, relationships, all of it. She often talked of the problems she’d had because of it, thinking that she had to “snare a guy” rather than simply meet and fall in love. It caught her by surprise when she did and she was constantly saying how she wanted better for our kids.

My middle daughter had her first period and was so scared to even tell me. I made it a point, even if I have any amount of consternation or hesitation, to let her know that I understand. It’s part of life, part of becoming a woman. But at the end of the day, she told her older sister and tried to avoid me most of the day. All I could do was give her some medicine for her cramps and tell her I understood and that this is what worked best for her mom. She needed her mom to be there – not to make it some big, massive,“rite of passage” and call it her “path to becoming a woman” (something her mother and her both hate – because Andrea’s mom kept calling it that) but to tell her it’s natural. Her sister filled some of the gap, but at the end of the day, it’s still not her mom.

I try to be the understanding, calming, caregiver they need, but where their mom would be a nurse or caregiver, I must seem more medic: they’re battle wounds that need fixing and thrown back into the fray. At the end of the day, nothing replaces the softness, the gentle comfort of your mom.

So it must seem that we’re just . . . well . . . screwed, right?

No.

The reason is that we did have her, even if it was just a very short time. We remember her and we celebrate her not just on May 13^th, but every single day. Our story is incomplete, but like an incomplete Shakespeare play, we have the template written by her and our outside influences. When my son comes to me with such faith and love on the worst day of his short life, it seems the template is a good foundation. Andrea loved being a mom and loved her kids more than anything. She’d forego buying things for herself so that her kids would have more. She showed us what being a mom is all about. She showed us in how she treated us.

Do you think about what your life would have been like if you hadn’t had your mom? Could you have the courage of Noah to hold her in the largest piece of your heart? Or will you buy a card with someone elses’ sentiment on it simply to do your duty? Remember, for us, that she’s your mom. For good or ill, she’s given you the outline of your story. It’s up to you to figure out where the story goes from here.

Happy Mother’s Day to the mom’s out there!

Ask The Good Enough Guy: Is My Marriage In Trouble?

Ask Rene: I Think I’m In Love With My Best Friend

Dave Manoucheri is a writer and journalist based in Sacramento, California. A father of four, two daughters and twin sons, his blog, Our Story Begins is a chronicle of their daily life after the loss of his wife Andrea, in March of 2011. Follow him on Twitter @InvProducerMan.